BMW X5

BMW-style polarisation 2.0 comes in the shape of this XM 60 xDrive, a 559kW badass SUV in shitstorm livery that takes no prisoners. Have they gone nuts in Munich – or is this hewn from solid Marvel meets Manga PHEV behemoth firmly on the pulse of time after all?

The response to the XM show car, which was unveiled far afield in Miami late last year, could not have been more scathing. Social media scorned and derided the first new model released under the second regime of M chief Franciscus van Meel.

Malicious tongues discredited it as a Skoda Kodiaq avatar deformed by a Russian Kamaz truck grille, notorious pessimists feared demolition of the BMW brand by a single product allegedly capable of delivering the blow of death to an already touseled image, and professional design analysts diagnosed a brutal monster predestined to divide society.

Strong stuff – after all, the latest hate magnet is merely a motor car, not a tyrant or a convicted child molester. Perhaps we should reserve final judgement until the real thing without camouflage panels gets introduced later in the year.

Quite unexpectedly, the cumulative crushing criticism triggered the protective instinct of this author, who has in the past assigned several BMW models to the zenith of awfulness, poor taste and visual anarchy. Think for instance of the current 4 Series range disfigured by that ugly upright rodent grille, a foreign matter that simply does not connect with the rest of the car.

The outgoing 7 Series and the iX also carry a high risk of eye trauma. The new 7 Series, however, manages to fuse the cathedral kidney, the optional Black Pack and the M Sport outfit to a surprisingly coherent piece of street furniture. It's not pretty but it is at least expressive.

A similar verdict would seem to apply to the XM, which consciously does not wear its mink coat inside out but enjoys showing off, a garishly groomed dandy sporting 23-inch designer sneakers, ready to flex its muscles as soon as a smartphone pops up at the horizon.

Subjectively, the front end is 90 per cent grille and 10 per cent body colour. Surrounding the XXXL double air intakes are origami surfaces made of sheet metal and composites that throw hard shadows complemented by continuously changing shine effects.

Running high up – only an inch or two below the brow of the bonnet – are two pairs of slim daytime running lights. Two floors down, the main matrix illumination armada hides behind rectangular smoke screens that render the content virtually invisible during daytime.

At night, the illuminated kidney grille makes the XM unmistakably a Bee-Emm. The nixing of conventional styling themes continues at the rear, where the stacked tailpipes are reminiscent of the Ferrari California. Perhaps even more extreme are the split, garland-shaped taillights that grow from bulges in the wings before they almost meet on both sides of the BMW roundel.

Buyers can choose between two styling themes: relatively discreet and positively flamboyant. The latter option includes jewel alloys, two-tone paint and a contrasting ribbon in gold or copper that runs from the bottom of the A-post to the top of the wide C-pillars.

Those who wear D&G, Off White or Gucci will love it, the rest can only hope that a monochrome outfit makes them less visible.

You guessed it – this car does not cater primarily for the European market. An electric range of up to 80km is simply not enough to jump the social acceptance barrier firmly supported by the XM's artillery-like proportions, superhero stance and underworld detailing.

In stark contrast, customers from North America, China and the Middle East where the XM should sell like hot cakes are bound to adore the broad-shouldered posture, self-confident presentation and 360-degree bling-bling overflow.

According to the M marketing squad, main rivals are similarly imposing fast lane regulars like the Mercedes GLS63 AMG and the G63 AMG, Lamborghini Urus, LWB Bentley Bentayga and the new Range Rover SVO.

Since new car prices are currently going through the roof, BMW has recently hiked the MRSP for the 355kW base model to well over €100,000 (AU$150,000). The 486bhp XM 60 we drove is now tipped to cost a smidgeon under €160,000 and the top-of-the-line 559kW/1000Nm tarmac peeler commands at least another €35K.

That's a lot of money for a lot of a car in a segment where the queues get longer by the day and certain used models fetch list price after 12 or even 24 months. All output numbers factor in a 152kW e-power module.

That electric motor is nestled inside the gearbox, matched to a 4.4-litre bi-turbo V8 – and it's not the one you're familiar with. Rather, in celebration of its 50th birthday, BMW's M division has developed a new engine, the S68.

Destined to be shared in lower tunes with 'regular' BMW and M Performance models, the S68 is a wholly new beast, similar in concept to the existing S63 but in fact sharing no parts with its predecessor.

That means that along with everything else new, the S68 has a 48V mild-hybrid system inside the new-design ZF eight-speed transmission for more direct power, and a new crankshaft, oil cooler, oil sump, new turbochargers and a new VANOS system that utilises electric power rather than oil pressure.

Asked why the first bespoke M product since the M1 is not a super sporty coupé or convertible, the chief project engineer Sven Ritter answered like a shot: "Because SUVs are where the market is. Not only in Europe, but globally.

"The XM fuses luxury and performance on the highest level. It is not an X6 on steroids, an evolution of the X5M or a rebodied X7. We designed and engineered this vehicle from scratch because it must compete against the icons in its segment.

"That's why excelling on a race track is not part of its DNA. Instead, this is the ultimate statement of style and substance. As state-of-the-art PHEV, it is a transitional stop-gap concept which will go fully electric as soon as suitable batteries are available."

Measuring 5110mm in length, 2200mm in width and 1730mm in height, the boxy newcomer shares a wheelbase and footprint with the X7. The accommodation for driver and passenger is to an extent compromised by the wide unpadded centre console and protruding armrest, but the noise level hits a new low thanks to the world's first four-seal door insulation system.

The rear seats wrap around like a generously padded transverse chaise and while the floor space in row two eclipses the iX only by a token margin, the seating position is notably more relaxed since the compact battery pack leaves plenty of depth for long legs.

Tipping the scales at just under 2.8 tonnes, the XM is a proper heavyweight that puts on even more body fat when the customer goes crazy on extras. All that mass, the upright front end and our heavy right foot pushed the test car's consumption to an indicated 16.4L/100km.

Since the homologation is not yet complete, the 3.9sec acceleration time from 0-100km/h and a top speed of 282km/h with the Driver's Pack are still provisional.

There are two regenerative braking stages, but even the battery-friendlier setting is too defensive for that controversial one-pedal feel which, according to the M drivetrain wizards, does not really suit the car's sporty character.

As expected, the driver can tweak the XM's throttle feedback, shift speed, steering action, damper setting and even the calibration of the brakes. Selecting Sport shortens the pedal travel and quickens the response. It's a debatable feature. At the end of the day, we prefer the Porsche approach that does not tamper with steering or brakes.

Unlike the X5/X6M, the XM does without air suspension and carbon-ceramic brakes. Sven Ritter explains why: "Especially with more than two people and luggage on board, the classic adjustable shock absorbers offer a comfort advantage over air springs. The 20in steel brakes decelerate with aplomb, and they are neither susceptible to rain and temperature nor do they squeal or drone."

A 48-volt system feeds the switchable sway bars that, in combination with the rear-wheel steering, create an anti-roll effect that contributes to inspiring yet super failsafe handling only topped by the Urus in this segment.

According to the go-faster squad from Garching, the Cayenne Turbo, Audi RSQ8, Range Rover Sport SVO and X5/X6M play in a more track-focused league than the luxury-biased XM. The new arrival is a very quick yet totally relaxed high-end crossover.

Its supple ride is more hovercraft than speedboat, grip and traction are seemingly inexhaustible, it is much more agile than its bulk and weight suggest, and the brakes perform with the determination of an executioner.

The rear-wheel steering adds an X1-like manoeuvrability through tight corners and in town, as well as directional stability at speed.

After an hour of hard charging on a mixed bag of roads, first impressions cement a smile on the driver's face. What makes the XM special is the mix of massive turn-in grip, magnetic roadholding and failsafe handling that is ready to play but only when told so.

If one had to create a motto for this car, No Understeer would be the slogan of choice. Since the front wheels act like mighty precision plotters even when the radius tightens and the surface deteriorates, confidence builds corner by corner, apex by apex.

But in contrast to certain other, notably looser BMW M models, the XM knows its etiquette and how to present it.

In E-mode, it almost out-wafts the noble Cullinan, even in Sport Plus it refrains from making puerile noises and harsh gestures, and its refined manners – as well as that mountain of power and torque – shine through clearly in every drive mode.

There is no doubt about it: even this opulent, part-time aggro, full-time luxury tarmac peeler fits the description of the ultimate driving machine.

Below: the BMW XM concept, revealed in November 2021